How To Measure Your Love

CHAPTER FOUR

Case Studies

The following case studies are based on true situations, but partly contrived by the inclusion of certain elements to demonstrate the technique. What you will find interesting is how seldom we stop to evaluate our relationship together. We tend to do so independently of each other and are left to assume what our partners are feeling. From these case studies we soon realize that verbal communication is the only tool we have to transmit and record our feelings. Some of us find it difficult and sometimes embarrassing to let our true feelings be known, partly because of the way we've been socialized and partly because we do not want to hurt others in the relationship.

These case studies will show what disastrous effect failure to communicate could have on relationships, particularly close, love relationships. It is said that 'actions speak louder than words', but actions do not communicate knowledge adequately. We, as love partners, want to know where we're at in our love relationships.

First Case Study

Jan, a black immigrant from Jamaica and John, a white Canadian, met as sophomores at York University. Recently, they presented a joint paper on Race Relations, and since then the two met regularly at the cafeteria and shared study notes. Jan didn't say no when John invited her out to dinner and dance. She was taken aback, however, when she felt his gentle kiss on her neck while they were dancing. They smiled at each other, and there was no mistaking that John wanted a closer relationship.

Jan became concerned that they were an interracial couple with all the problems that entailed. However, she liked him immensely and was prepared to ignore strange looks from white female classmates and negative opinions from her black friends. They both felt the strength of their relationship would conquer all problems and that, if they loved each other truly, they would withstand all negativity which would eventually fade away.

Several months passed before Jan noticed her study habits were changing for the worse and were beginning to affect her grades. She discussed it with John whose grades remained unaffected. It turned out that Jan could no longer ignore the opinion of her black friends and began to have doubts about her relationship with John.

John and Jan agreed to take the Compatibility rating to help determine the strength of their relationship. Here are the results:

Table 3. Jan's Compatibility Rating Schedule of John
COMPATIBILITY
1
2
3
4
5
TOTAL
Type of friends
-
-
x
-
-
3
Complexion and Race
-
-
-
-
x
5
Racial tolerance
-
-
-
-
x
5
Resistance to public opinion
-
-
x
-
-
3
Language
-
-
-
-
x
5
TOTAL
-
-
6
-
15
21

Table 4. John's Compatibility Rating Schedule of Jan
COMPATIBILITY
1
2
3
4
5
TOTAL
Type of friends
-
-
x
-
-
3
Complexion and Race
-
-
-
-
x
5
Racial tolerance
-
-
-
-
x
5
Resistance to public opinion
-
-
x
-
-
3
Language
-
-
-
-
x
5
TOTAL
-
-
6
-
15
21

John and Jan sat in the library and exchanged schedules for discussion. As was expected, they both scored excellent and were very pleased. However, their low scores on 'type of friends' and 'resistance to public opinion' were examined. On 'type of friends' it was well known that they did not share the same circle of friends. John's friends were mainly white while Jan's were black. In an effort to improve this situation, since friends was an important element in their lives, they both agreed to get to know each other's friends by attending their parties.

As far as 'resistance to public opinion' was concerned, they both felt, in retrospect, that resistance was not an appropriate term in their situation, because public opinion was too formidable an opponent. They agreed that 'tolerance' was more accurate, and on that they would have scored higher.

Jan and John emerged from their discussion feeling that they had nothing to fear, that they were as compatible as ever in the areas that mattered to them, and their relationship would grow stronger as a result of the exercise. In fact it was not long before that Jan's grades returned to their usual high as her study habits improved. They planned to rate themselves on TRUST at the end of the semester.

Go to Second Case Study