| How To Measure Your Love |
Mary disclosed she had not shared her feelings with her husband because this would aggravate the situation, the fighting would increase. Bill does not abuse her physically but he has become aggressive in speech, opinionated, and self-centered. In time, she feared, Bill might become physically abusive. Her friend suggested that she must find a way to express her concerns to her husband who, probably, was going through the same dilemma. His failure to communicate, apart from having sex, may be an indication that he has something on his mind which he has difficulty sharing with her.
Mary's friend suggested that they might benefit from rating tests for Compatibility, Trust and Commitment, since all three components appear to be in question. After discussion Mary and Bill agreed to try the ratings. Here are the results:
| Type of work | ||||||
| Dress style | ||||||
| Level of education | ||||||
| Entertainment choice | ||||||
| Domestic chores | ||||||
| TOTAL | ||||||
| Truthfulness | ||||||
| Sharing secrets | ||||||
| Keeping confidences | ||||||
| Supportive of me | ||||||
| Reliability | ||||||
| TOTAL | ||||||
| Keeping promises | ||||||
| Faithfulness | ||||||
| Responsible | ||||||
| Motivation | ||||||
| Willingness to change | ||||||
| TOTAL |
| Type of work | ||||||
| Dress style | ||||||
| Level of education | ||||||
| Entertainment choice | ||||||
| Domestic chores | ||||||
| TOTAL | ||||||
| Truthfulness | ||||||
| Sharing secrets | ||||||
| Keeping confidences | ||||||
| Supportive of me | ||||||
| Reliability | ||||||
| TOTAL | ||||||
| Keeping promises | ||||||
| Faithfulness | ||||||
| Responsible | ||||||
| Motivation | ||||||
| Willingness to change | ||||||
| TOTAL |
After Bill and Mary exchanged schedules and studied them carefully, Bill exclaimed, "Wow! Is this how you feel about our compatibility, Mary? What don't you like about the entertainment choices I make?" Bill's voice was not threatening nor was there any anger. But, he was visibly surprised.
The way was opened for discussion as the schedule became a vehicle for communicating. It turned out that Mary was never in favour of Bill's bar hopping with old school buddies, because she feared alcohol might become a problem in their marriage as it had been with her parents'. She did not mention it before because she didn't want Bill to avoid his friends. Bill understood and decided that in future he would do more of his entertaining at home.
And, what was wrong with Mary's level of education? She held a fine job which did not require further training. Bill reminded her that they had planned for her to further her education which was halted when baby Nigel was born. Mary did not think it was a priority, but did not discuss her opinion with Bill who felt a higher level of education would place her in a better position for promotion. Mary decided to look at promotion requirements at work to see if they warranted further education.
Bill readily agreed that he never liked domestic chores and he thought Mary had accepted that. Mary explained that full time employment and the care of the baby left her little time for domestic chores and would have appreciated more help from him. Bill understood and decided to become more involved. But, he wished Mary had expressed her feelings before and not assume he would not help.
Together, they concluded that their compatibility as a whole remained sound. However, failure to communicate about the adverse effects of changing circumstances accounted for low scores in these few elements.
Bill's rating of Mary's trust was acceptable, but, but he was appalled that she felt that he lacked truthfulness and did not share secrets readily. Mary explained that somehow Bill was becoming distant, spoke less and less, and resorted to arguing rather than talking and she was not quite sure how he was feeling from time to time. She felt he might be concealing something from her to spare her anxiety. To her surprise, Bill smiled and was nodding when he revealed that, indeed, a few weeks ago he had an argument with a female subordinate in his office and had said some unkind things to her for which he was ashamed. He could not very well share this with Mary and was suffering from guilt which affected his free communication with her. As soon as this was cleared up the entire component of trust resumed its soundness. Mary advised him to apologize to his subordinate.
Their level of commitment was rated good. Mary explained that her low score of Bill's willingness to change was a carry-over from her concerns under compatibility and trust. She felt that he was becoming set in his ways and could not see him adjusting easily to changing circumstances. She confessed she had underestimated this element as a result of the positive approach he had taken in this evaluation.
Bill and Mary looked at every chosen element under the three components which fell below a rating of 'good', discussed them at length and made decisions for improvements. They were both delighted and relieved by the exercise which Bill described as a timely intervention, because he, too, noticed they were drifting apart.