| How To Measure Your Love |
This is what you and I are going to do in this exercise. But, first, let's get a little bit technical! If you feel for someone or something you do so only because that someone or something is evoking this reaction in you. Feelings are responses to external or internal stimuli. If I pinched you, you would probably scream. You responded to my stimulus, pinch, though you would not love me for that! The stimuli you receive from others and the responses you give back set up interactions between you which settle into patterns we call relationships. Love is a complex pattern of such relationships.
When you and your partner have established this close love relationship, we can look at the relationship itself apart from you both. It has a dynamic of its own which is sustained by what you and your partner feed into it. The fire will continue to burn if we feed it fuel. So, too, the love relationship will remain strong if you feed it the required amount of love-fuel.
The technique attempts to provide you, i.e those falling in love and contemplating marriage as well as those having difficulty in their marriage, with a measure designed to let you know the strength of your relationship, and hopefully determine whether it is worth pursuing or how best to improve it.
Most marriages and love relationships pass through difficult times regardless of the good intentions of the vows and pledges we make. The rising divorce rate, the increased incidence of abused spouses, the abandoned children, increased violence in the home- all these are results of relationships gone sour, or shall we say, extinguished because of failure to ensure adequate supplies of the fuel of love.
We have discerned the establishment of four main foundation/milestones which we describe as the components of marital love. These are:
The theory holds that these components represent progressive and cummulative stages of the growth of love. Earlier stages must be established as a prerequisite for the development of later stages. Let us look at each component individually in an attempt to understand their fundamental quality.
CHAPTER ONE
Introduction
Who can measure love? We all do, when we stop to think about it. But, if I asked you how do you measure love you would probably end up saying, 'It's just the way I feel about the person I am in love with'. Right! It's just how you feel about the object of you love. So, if we can isolate and measure this feeling, wouldn't we get an idea how much our love is?Theory and Definition of Terms
Just as we grow from infancy to elderly so , too, relationships grow from mere acquaintance to full-blown love and marriage. They reach milestones along the way, each one setting the foundation for the next. We seldom pay much attention to this growth and conclude that they are natural processes over which we have no control. While this may be so with human bio-physical growth, it is far from the truth with relationhips.
Compatibility
Do we really know what is essential in compatibility? When we date we become romantic. We listen to soft music, feel the gentle touch of the lips, taste the fine wine, enjoy a stroll in the moonlight hand in hand, etc. These good feelings may be sought after as an end in themselves. However, when we continue dating the same person and believe there is a chance for love we do so for one reason and that is to confirm the presence of kindred spirits. This is the fundamental essence of compatibility.Trust
Trust is the second stage in the growth of love. There are various degrees of trust ranging from the absolute to the precarious. An infant trusts its mother absolutely. Why? Because it is totally dependent on its mother for its very survival. This type of trust is undesirable and perhaps unattainable in marriage, though some abusive relationships lean in that direction. Trust is precarious where Compatibility is absent. The ideal quality of trust in marital relationships recognizes the individuality of the partners by accepting differences, accommodating nuances, strengthening weaknesses and leaning on strengths. In short, trust allows the relationship to grow stronger by believing in each others integrety.Commitment
When lovers have established Compatibility and Trust, they are ready for Commitment. This component is readily understood but too often taken lightly. To commit oneself to another in love relationships is to have a mutual and lasting obligation to each other to be faithful and true. This is the test period, the time when lovers examine their relationship closely to determine their capacity for marriage. Experience has shown that this is the stage where love relationships break up mostly. Modern day society has devised the trial marriage to more closely test this capacity for commitment.Fulfilment
The final and culminating stage of development is Fulfilment. This is the end-stage where the relationship blossoms into a peaceful, stress-free quality. Marital love is matured to the exclusion of all negativity, distrust, doubt, worry and external threat. It is the stage where partners have attained union in soul and spirit. At this ultimate stage Compatibility, Commitment and Trust represent the burning logs of the fire of love, the foundation of the love relationship structure.